Your sexuality is as personal as a fingerprint. And there’s nothing wrong with you, even if you rarely have spontaneous sex or never have an orgasm during intercourse. It’s actually quite normal, says PhD and author Emily Nagoski in the book “Come as you are”.
1. You are completely normal
Women’s sexuality can not be put into a formula, and you do not need to compare yourself with friends to find “normal”. It does not exist. Or rather: It exists everywhere. Women are different from one another – and different from men.
Emily Nagoski: For many, many years, research has looked at women’s sexuality as a light version of men’s. It is assumed that because many men have orgasms during intercourse, women should get the same. And because many men get an erection when they have sex, a woman gets wet when she is sexually turned on. But women and men are different. For example, a woman can very well have a dry vagina and be excited – or vice versa be wet, but not enjoy the sex or turned on..
2. You should not have an orgasm during intercourse
7 out of 10 women sometimes, rarely or never gets an orgasm from penis-in-vagina-intercourse. 3 out of 10 women get it every time. It’s all normal. One might easily get an orgasm by example. fingering, oral sex or using a vibrator and still not get it through sexual intercourse. That is, according Emily Nagoski also normal. It’s probably about anatomy.
Emily Nagoski: Stimulation of the clitoris is the most secure way to orgasm, and sexual intercourse is not an effective way to stimulate the clitoris at all. It assemble that a man should have an orgasm through stimulation of the bladder neck glands. We would of course not judge him if he couldn’t.
3. Orgasms may be a little dull
The orgasm – the sudden, involuntary release of sexual tension – can be magnificent, and it can feel very little. Enjoyment is all about how we perceive what is happening, whether it feels good or not and and in what connection it happens. Emily Nagoski compare it to being tickled by your boy or girlfriend. One day, you think it’s funny, because you are feeling fresh and have a good time together, the next day it’s just annoying. I instead of chasing orgasm during intercourse, it may make better sense to focus on enjoyment.
4. Your brain has an accelerator and a brake
Very simply put, your brain has a sexual accelerator that respond to appropriate sexual stimuli – everything you see, hear, touch, smell, imagine and your brain has “learned” to connect with excitement. In the same way you have a brake that respond to the same things, but with all the opposite effect. It takes all the good reasons why you should not be sexually aroused in the middle of an important meeting at work.
We all have different degrees of sensitivity of the accelerator and the brake, and the sensitivity is probably quite stable throughout life – a bit like the character traits introvert / extrovert. Women generally have a more sensitive brake, so we will be more affected by both external circumstances and inner well-being.
5. Celebrate the body
Studies show that women who have it worse with their body, also have less satisfying sex with less pleasure and more pain than women who are satisfied with their body. Be good to yourself and try to keep your body as it is.
Exercise: Stand in front of the mirror, look at yourself and write down what you like about your body. Do it every day for weeks or months. It’s genuine care for yourself and your sex life.
6. Stress is a killer
Stress puts a damper on your sex life for the vast majority. Or more precisely: Your sense of being stressed makes you 1) lose interest, and 2) get less pleasure from sex. Do you feel that your sex life should be different, or that you should have more desire, you can also get stressed over it.
Long walks, dance, mindfulness, crying- and shout tours, good conversations and loving presence can help to reduce stress. Find the one that works for you.
7. Spontaneous like – or as a reaction
Spontaneous pleasure – ie seeing a delicious bartender and get fancy here and now – happens probably three out of four men and about every sixth woman.
Other women will want when they get kissed, touched, whispered sweet words in their ear and massaged. It is the urge that occurs as a reaction, while others are more dependent on relationships: The relationship with the partner, instead, self-esteem, relationship to the body. Nothing is abnormal; it’s just individually.
8. Sex as an amplifier
Have you just met? Then you probably have lots sex and a lot of desire. But the same can be true if you have an unstable relationship.
Sex brings us closer to our partner and strengthen the social ties between us. It is not needed in the same way in a long, loving and safe conditions, but can not help but having intense sex. It may require renewed curiosity – eg. distance, unpredictability or vice versa more presence and intimate contact.
9. Sexuality is all about context
You can have a very hot and beautiful partner, but still not have the urge for sex because it clutters in the bedroom, or your boss was impossible today. Sexual desire should be viewed in context, and a week later you might be turned on, because the mess and worries are gone.
Emily Nagoski: For most people, sex is most obvious when the stress level is low, affection level is high (loving mood), and the pressure is on the erotic (sexy films, naughty talk, touch, etc.).
Tutorial: How to become conscious about the best circumstances for sex. Describe three fantastic sexual experiences and three less amazing experiences. Try to find out what the external circumstances were for each type of experience, and how exactly did it happen. Did you get turned on by sexy chats? did it happen in a special place? Had your partner said something special lovingly to you? Were you stressed or upset about something?
It can be used to get an overview of when your brain see things in the most sexy way.
10. Fire the referee!
A word of advice: Practice not to scold yourself if you think your sexuality is difficult if you find it hard to relax, or it takes you are a long time to be turned on. Try to register it without judging. And if you are curious and motivated, then explore your sexuality. For example find out when the brake is on, and find out when you are most sexual turned on.
No one has yet died from lack of sex, but sex can, under the right circumstances, be a truly amazing and rewarding experience.